On ‘Restlessness’: Thoughts and Reflections
A very quick reflection on the ‘State of Things’ recently - mentally, physically, creatively, professionally. A small piece to rewind and unwind, to unpack some thoughts and briefly touch on what’s been going on in my head.
Editor’s Notes: Be advised, this piece is a complete mess of spontaneity and introspection, almost like a twisted embodiment of this blog’s purpose. If you were looking for solutions, you won’t find them here, only some scattered writing that (hopefully) clears up my headspace a little. Not sure whether it will bring comfort or discomfort to readers, but I think getting my thoughts straight was a useful exercise to reorient my path. We journey on. - J.
I’ve been in a bit of a strange situation as of late. Nothing feels right, and I can’t quite pinpoint or describe what it is. Not particulaly ‘bad’, but definitely not purely ‘good’. The best description is simply that I feel a ‘tension’ - a peculiar tension between being very excited and very anxious, very tired yet very energised at the exact same time, all of the time. For the past few months, I felt as though I was in a constant state of tension, where I always feel the need to be doing something, yet not feeling physically and mentally geared to do the intended tasks. This leads to a heightened sense of unrest and unease, further displacing the mind-body focus that I desire.
These are pretty classic issues with restlessness and headspace management. However, the complication this time is that I genuinely want to do the things that are causing me this unrest; there are simply so many paths that I want to pursue and make progress in, so many separate lives to juggle and cultivate. This authentic and intrinsically-motivated drive makes it that much harder to take a step back and just be still. I feel as though I have so many things to do, but am managing my time so poorly. I feel physically drained each day, but can’t stop working on the tasks when I get into them, taking up major chunks of time. I’m not saying this to be negative or to complain, more so to publicise these thoughts so that other’s like me can see that they are not alone, that this indeed happens. Seems like a symptom of clashing minds, between a hungry creative self wanting to do as many things as possible, and a tired physical self that just wants to live in the present. Crucially, I don’t feel sad nor angry, only this tension.
Here’s some writing from yesterday’s personal word-dump that inspired this piece.
On the current struggle:
The struggle is that I have so many things that I want to do, that I almost feel like i CAN do (that they will work); I'm just balancing it very poorly, feeling bad over the time wasted and my supreme lack of efficiency.
Nothing feels like its 'crumbling' or 'failing' - its not stress about 'failure' itself per se (at least thats not the main stressor). Its more that my self-imposed goals and things that I want to do are so ''superficially immense’; they aren't that difficult in relation to my current raw ability, but its the fact that I'm crucially inefficient at organising my time, staying focused, etc, that makes this quite annoying.
the resultant UNREST ‘stacks’ - each time I'm not working on something, I feel worse. Each time I do something regular (like watching some videos, talking to friends or family) I feel like I could have done some art or business or writing or studying or more.
Perhaps there’s just too many avenues of my life now, perhaps I’ve spread myself too thin. At every corner there’s something that I ‘could be doing’, everything I see reminds me of a different area of my life that I could be working on.
Thats one of the issues here - its the very tough balance between the things that I want to do, versus leading a life of manageable contentment, at least for my current creative and productive capacity.
Each day feels as though I made no progress, regardless of what I actually accomplished that day - the hours just flies by, like the time disappeared.
Its a problematic framing for sure, but I can’t seem to ‘rewrite the narrative’ (Stoic principle to change your reaction) as I do for so many other things.
On giving yourself permission to be tired:
I often feel like I've literally done nothing so far, that I don't even deserve to feel 'burnout' yet because, quite literally, I have accomplished none of my grand goals. I’ve never really tried that hard, I’ve never optimally managed my time, I’ve never filled my schedule to the brim. I genuinely feel like its not possible for me to experience burnout, since I’ve not really given my all in anything. Though quite damaging, I do see truth in this statement, which is what makes it worse. I can see that I’ve never ‘given it my all’ (true), so now I try to do more (true), but that makes me even more tense and uneasy with just being ‘still’ (unfortunately, also true). A ‘tension’ indeed. Not negative, not sad, just restless.
Editor’s Notes - Quite the confession moment here. Damn.
Like I wrote earlier, I don’t really know what the solution is or how to end this post - there is no quick fix or smart answer to give. This piece is largely a reminder to myself, and maybe an artefact for my future, of the mental state that I was in during this time in my life. Regardless of how I feel right now or who reads it, this piece is a valuable, inimitable snapshot of my headspace during a turbulent yet exciting chapter of my Journey. So, despite everything, we journey on. That’s all it really is.
01.05.2021. - J.
